I didn't Know Train travel could be so complicated
Before I can start relating my sometimes amusing train journies I really have to reval that Commuting is not just catching a train and getting somewhere, far from it it is a maze of unwritten rules, so in order to help all those Train Virgins, I have compiled a list of do's and don'ts.
The Platform,
1) Never Take your place on the platform before other trains have past, this is a big no no, regular travellers have their spot on the platform, and newbies beware, stand back and learn, or you will be trampelled for making the wrong decision,
2) the regulars know who you are and will band together to teach you that you are a newbie and thus have no rights, until you have been given your place, on the said platform.
I chose to ignor these rules as I was unaware of them, and regularly just stood where-ever I chose, I soon learnt that I was going to cop it for my lack of respect for the vetrans. This can be anything from the glare of the regular masses, to being knock down by the very attractive , but also very tall and agressive blond who spot I took on the said platform, I soon learnt that you either show some respect and sand back or as I decided to do make my claim on the said spot on the aforementioned platform. This won me the admiration of the more timid newbies, but incurred the wrath of the regulars. I found that if you intend taking the more aggressive path it pays to have a very large well built ally as a protector, which I soon enlisted in my quest for platform equality.
3) rule three is basically the above, which is, if you wish to take on the filthy unwashed masses, then get a big , really big friend to help. You will still get the glares,but you will also get some respect as you now have size on your side, that is until they get someone even bigger or you are alone then god herlp you.
4) if one shouold arrive at the station and there are no protector to be seen, get on a carriage where there are less people waiting then run like hell to get to your favourite seat, this works sometimes, and gives you an opportunity to knock down a few newbies of your own, thus allowing you to move up the pecking oprder by creating the impression rthat you know what you are doing. It's a great bluff, but use it sparingly, as the regulars on the other carriages will soon wake up to this, and your cause will ber lost.
the seat rules,
5) once you have navigated your way through the platform rules you then need to know what to do once on the train, the first thing you will learn is that the same rules apply, newbies get what left, or incure the wrath of the regulars. I used to get a real hoot out of changing carriages on a regular basis seeking out the regular s and taking their seats, in my silent protest for the newbies from everywhere, only to learbn that the regulars will regroup very quickly and have plans to curtail your unruly rebellious behaviour. Trust me there is nothing morer frightning than four very large women with a lot of lip hair and BO surrounding you, you soon learn that you are on you own, and have two choices or spend the remainder of the trip holding your breath while listening to the various illnesses in garphic detail that each one is suffering from. Trust me you will move.
6) the seats closest to the door are for newbies this is where you learn to cut your teeth on other newbies and gain the respect of the regulars.
7) if you are a newbie and a seated across from and incredible looking goddess, don't for one minute believe the long glances from her are meant to be a sign of interest in yourself, they are not, so no matter what do not look back in a sexual way, there looks are meant to tell you taht not only are they not interested by quite possibly they loath you and love nothing better than to see you implode in a quivering mass in front of them. They will also torture you with smiles and the occasional peep show, only to send back into a quivering confused mass when as soon as you return the same said looks you will recieve one of the coldest stares imaginable, that or the boyfriend gets on at the next station, then you are in real trouble, really.
8) if you are looking for love on a train never, and I stress never do this during peak hour, this is when the worst of the worst are on the train and they know what you are up to and will toy with you and taunt you until you again a quivering mass of nerves.
9) never do what I do and change seats and carriages on a regular basis, for you will not only incure the wrath of the regulars, but newbies will soon treat you as a leper or possibly even worse join forces with the regulars.
10) once you have become a regular, remember it is still dog eat dog world, on and off the platform and train, whilist you may now have your seat never give a newbie a chance, this puts you right back to square one and you will be sitting back next to the door in no time.
I have lived this hell for six months now, and now have a permanent seat, next to the door cause I like it there so there, and now I am able to treat the newbiers with the disdain they deserve, and rightly so as I have piad my dues, and I know now if I wish to stay here I must become the evil regular, and guard my spotr with the zeal of the most extrem terroist, or I will be marginalised for life.
Of course the best rule of all is have a good book and or an MP3 player or some other device to keep you eyes away from those that still not be as accepting of your presence, this allows you to pretend you are oblivious of all that goes on, especially helping the elderly and the infirm, this can only happen while you are a newbie as it is their job because they are not one of us.
I must say that someone stole my seat the other day, she was something akin to some sought of very aggressive, large scary Viking woman, she was a newbie showing all the instincts of a seasoned traveller, yet I knew she wasn't, so I hatched a feindish plan to retrive the stolen seat, of course the next day she didn't front, all that plannning and a no show, starnge I was more upset that she didn'tr return than when she stole my seat. Bitch.
Anyway I hope this is some help for all those would be travellers/commuters. Now I must plan for the possibility that the Viking returns next week, damn travelling is hard work.